What's Their Fatal Flaw?

What characteristic makes someone untenable, unlovable, and dismissible to you?

What characteristic makes someone untenable, unlovable, and dismissible to you? Is it a selfish behavior? Not listening? Is it their ego? Their volatile temper? Their politics? Are they too nice and bubbly? Does their negativity set your teeth on edge? Are they too poor or too rich?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, because I feel like it’s become socially acceptable and societally normal to write people off. It’s almost become a rite of passage to stop talking with parents, family members, friends, or neighbors. It’s as if we brand conflict as “unresolvable” instead of an expected and normal part of life.

It didn’t use to be this way. There was a time when love covered over a multitude of sins; family was valued; forgiveness was extended; long-term friendships were protected and revered. But sadly, these old-fashioned values seem to have melted away, leaving us with a residue of brittle bitterness.

Yes, there are times when it’s necessary to stop talking with someone, especially when they are abusive—but what about when it’s just a personality conflict? Is it okay to dismiss someone from your life because they irritate you, hold different opinions, behave differently, or dress differently than you?

I don’t think so.

In the course of my job, I come across a wide range of personalities. I’ve talked to eccentric and quirky people with astounding faith. I’ve found myself chatting with pulled-together women who had prayer requests that caused tears to well up in my eyes. I’ve talked with men who seem strong and capable but live with chronic health conditions that make it difficult to stand. You truly never know what someone is going through—and sometimes the more flawless they look, the harder their circumstances.

What every single person has in common is this: a deep need to feel seen, valued, heard, and loved. This doesn’t mean each of them are easy people to see, value, hear, and love—I usually can’t do it in my own strength. In fact, I often have to get myself out of the way altogether. It’s not about what they can give me, but about me focusing on them.

I’ve discovered when I can put myself aside and choose to see each person with compassion, through the eyes of Jesus, my heart changes. I am able to engage, listen, and care—and for those moments we’re together, they don’t feel so alone. And I don’t either. The truth is that we all see the world a bit differently and the difficulties of life come in a formidable number of flavors. We need one another.

Instead of looking for a “fatal flaw” in someone—or them looking for one in me—what if we came alongside each other with no need to “prove” our worth? What if we believed our value truly did come from being God’s child? What if we saw each person as being personally crafted by Him for specific purposes and marveled at their uniqueness? What if we lived in such a way that God breathing a person into existence was enough to make them worthy of our love?

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. — Philippians 2:1-4 (NIV)