"Can You Forgive Me?"

I didn't realize I was harboring these feelings

“Can you forgive me?” I didn’t hear the question with my ears, but the words popped into my mind as I was praying early one morning. It wasn’t condemning or demanding. It was a still, gentle voice that felt kind and almost hesitant.

“Can I forgive You? You’re God! What kind of thought is that?” I responded, then tried to push it away because the question seemed absurd. But then the dialogue continued as I prayed. God brought a series of scenes to my mind where things didn’t go the way I wished. Our 20-year business ending abruptly. My husband receiving a cancer diagnosis at 38-years-old. My son being born with cleft lip and palate, which meant a childhood punctuated by surgeries. My bright and beautiful mother, diminished by early-onset dementia.

Yes, I had to confess, I was still mad about each of those. In fact, I was mad about a lot of other things, too. I had no clue I was harboring these feelings of unforgiveness and anger toward God in my heart, but God did. He also knew it was creating a sense of distrust that was preventing me from growing closer to Him.

As a writer, one of the most frustrating realities I grapple with is that I don’t get to write the story of my own life. But I recognize that’s the case for everyone. No one gets through life without some unexpected plot twists they would never choose for themselves—a sick child, a sudden death, a major sickness, a divorce, a car accident—then having to scramble to put the pieces together and navigate through (or live with) the challenge. That’s the nature of life.

I know that God works all things to good for those who love Him; I’ve experienced that in my own life countless times. But there’s a gap between your mind and your heart, and the truth is that my heart—my spirit—still felt wounded and wearied by all these hardships. I felt like God somehow didn’t provide for me or was punishing me when He allowed pain to enter my life. In some cases, the difficult situations were the consequences of my shortfalls. In others, the troubles came out of nowhere. In all cases, it was within His power to stop the hardships from happening—but He didn’t.

I found myself asking, “Why did You allow all those things to happen? Where were You? Why did you allow so much hurt to impact my life and the lives of the people I love?”

I sat a little longer, and again I saw the difficult scenes from my life. But as I looked at each situation, I could see the fruit of our hardships: People came to know Jesus due to Rich’s sickness. I know what it’s like to have a child with unique medical needs, which means I can encourage others in similar situations. I thought of the countless people who came alongside us with meals, encouragement, and hope in each difficult trial. I marveled at how God has rebuilt our lives in an amazing way, after our business closed. I recognized God’s provision for my mother and her care. Yes, the fruit and the blessings are undeniable, but why did it have to come through such difficult situations?

As I reviewed each scene He brought to mind, I could sense His compassion and a perspective outside my own. Those hardships don’t define me—they were simply things that happened. I may have scars, but I can trust He will use them—even the ugly ones—to help bring hope and freedom to others. I’ve seen Him do it before, and I trust He will do it again.

The truth is that sometimes God allows wisdom, compassion, humility, and empathy to be deposited into our hearts in simple ways: a good teacher, a poignant book, a movie with a particularly powerful story. But often, it’s the hard times that change our hearts the most. In every single one of those experiences, the suffering caused me to seek God. It gave me compassion for others. It grew my understanding of what it is to be human. It reminded me how desperately we need each other’s help and encouragement.

Hardships come to everyone. They are not God’s fault. They are the result of living in a fallen world that is bent on evil and destruction. We will encounter hardship and suffering, with or without God by our side. We’re so much better off with Him next to us, showing us the next step forward.

What about you? Is there a place where you need to forgive God? Has He allowed something in your life that brought hurt or even devastation? Are you irritated about how He ordered the world? Do you wish He created a different plan for you and your life? Start to talk to Him about it. He already knows, and if you pray, read His Word, and allow Him to speak to your heart, He’ll deposit the kind of wisdom that will move you past that barrier and replace it with peace, hope, restoration, and purpose.